Softening Meditation

"Monks, whoever develops & pursues mindfulness immersed in the body encompasses whatever skillful qualities are on the side of clear knowing." MN 119 The Buddha.

In this lesson we will cover how to set up a daily meditation practice and the different postures that you can use for meditation. We will then learn how to develop the meditative skills of grounding and softening to develop deep calm and tranquility as a foundation for mindfulness of breathing.

Instructions

• *This section provides context for your daily meditation.
• Read Instruction: Creating a Daily Meditation Practice.
• Read instruction: Choosing Your Posture for Meditation. 
• Read Instruction: The Meditation Skill of Grounding.
• Read Instruction: The Meditation Skill of Softening.

Meditation

• *This section contains the meditation skills that you will develop.
• Meditation Skill 01: Grounding Your Attention.
• Meditation Skill: Retrain Your Breathing Patterns.
• Meditation Skill 02: Softening Into Breathing.
• Meditation Skill 03: Skill of Softening Into.

Progressive Meditation Menu

• *This is a map to track your progression and is at the end of each STEP.
• Progressive Menu

Need More Information?

• Read about the MIDL Meditation System

Join the MIDL Meditation Community

• Weekly Online Meditation Classes
• MIDL Community Reddit Forums
• Discuss Your Meditation with Stephen

Back to Main Menu

Your first goal is towards developing a habit of meditating daily. Yes, that's right, the desire to meditate is a healthy habit that can and should be developed. 

At first you may find that your mind throws up all sorts of reasons why you should miss today's meditation: Too busy, too tired, too...., don't believe it. This is just your old habits talking to you. 

If you want to change your life you need to go against these urges. As the Buddha said: "Swim against the stream", the current of habits, the current of old patterns. 

For positive change to happen you need to start mimicking the life you want to live, now.

Start by setting a regular time for your daily meditation, something that is achievable, and committing to it. Once committed to a specific time, stick to it; be careful of giving your mind mixed messages here. 

It is also helpful to have a regular place for meditating, the corner of a room, a quiet chair, your car, somewhere you won't be disturbed by worldly concerns. You can add a blanket, a statue, some candles to create an atmosphere.

It is important to recognise that your meditation is not always going to be enjoyable. Some meditations feel comfortable, others don't. 

Since the techniques that are used in meditation challenge habits of the mind, and your body is adjusting to sitting still, some meditations will feel uncomfortable. This is a normal part of any exercise routine, be it physical or mental, especially in the beginning.

Committing to the time you have set for your meditation, regardless of how it feels, develops resilience, determination and understanding about yourself that will lead to life changing insight. 

It also creates a feeling of achievement and trust in your own ability. It is this commitment rather than how good you think the meditation is, that will start to change the behaviour of your mind.

In each of the below Meditation Skills there is a guided meditation provided. it is helpful to use it a number of times to give you a feel of the rhythm and pace of this meditation. Combine the recorded guidance with the written instructions below, and your own experience to develop skill. 

Once you are confident you can stop using the recording and meditate under your own guidance. This has the added benefit of cultivating mindfulness and curiosity. 

Always try to find the subtle pleasure in your meditation, how nice it is to relax, the pleasure of abandonment, its sense of ease.

• Next: Understanding Your Posture for Meditation

A basic understanding of the correct posture for meditation is important. 

When sitting on a chair to meditate, it is ok in the beginning to lean against the back rest. Make sure that your buttock is all the way back in the chair or else you may slump in your lower spine causing you to feel discomfort and sleepiness. 

Once seated, un-round your shoulders by bringing them forward, raising them up, bringing them back and then dropping them down. Also tuck your chin under slightly, extending the crown of your head towards the ceiling to balance your head on your neck. 

Once your meditation practice develops it is helpful to start introducing more discipline within your meditation posture. This can be done by sitting towards the front of the chair and slightly rotating the top of your hips forward. Forearms and hands can then sit gently on your legs, creating a balance point. 

When sitting on the floor it is important to take a posture that keeps your back straight and that you can maintain for a period of time without moving. Sitting flat on the floor requires a lot of flexibility in your hips. 

You can test this now by sitting flat on the floor. 

If your knees have trouble touching the ground while your back is straight, then you should consider using different props to help with your posture. Props such as a firm cushion under your buttocks help to raise your hips off the ground, changing the angle of your legs. This lowers the amount flexibility needed in your hips for the posture.

When sitting on the floor I recommend trying the Burmese meditation posture. Sit down, on a cushion if needed, and fold one leg into your body so that the sole of the foot is facing the inside thigh of the other leg. Next fold the other leg in front of it. 

In this way the legs are folded next to each other but not on top of each other. This prevents the pain and numbness that comes from the pressure of one limb pressing against the other. 

If this is still difficult you can try a kneeling position on the floor with a rolled blanket or cushion between your legs with your legs folded back, under you. 

If this still isn't comfortable then go easy on yourself, get to know your body and what it can and can't do. Accept it; and then work with what you have. There are other postures just as good, like a chair or lying down on the floor.

When lying on the floor use a yoga mat or blanket plus a pillow if needed. If you have back trouble, slightly bend your knees and place a bolster or rolled blanket under them to protect your back. 

To keep alertness so that you don't fall asleep, place your arms by your sides with palms facing upwards. If you have back or neck issues you can also lay on your side in the CPR recovery position (on your side).

If there is no other option meditation can also be done lying on a bed but there is a higher risk of you falling asleep. You can prop your body upright by using pillows behind you back and head, a rolled blanket under your knees to protect your lower back. 

When meditating in a bed it is important to focus on proper support or else your body may slump and fall to the side as you relax. With practice an MIDL meditator can meditate lying on a bed while staying fully alert. In the beginning however this is difficult.

• Next: The Meditation Skill of Grounding

Grounding is the skill of immersing awareness within your body to withdraw it from the habitual patterns of your mind. Withdrawing awareness from the mind stream creates space around thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions allowing you to mindfully self-observe to develop insight into their autonomous nature (anatta).

Grounding of awareness is developed by gently softening/relaxing it into the sensate quality of your body, until your body becomes as if self-aware. This means you have a felt sense of being aware of the world through your body, rather than through your intellectual mind. More simply: you live through your heart rather than your head.

Once awareness is immersed within your body during meditation there are great benefits. First you will find that softening of awareness into your body (grounding) naturally establishes mindfulness. 

This in itself is a great benefit because without mindfulness, the ability for you to self-observe, how can you develop any understanding of yourself? 

Grounding of awareness within your body creates a reference point from which habitual movements of your attention can be observed (Flexible Attention). If your mind is wandering during meditation (and daily life) how can you know unless you have a reference point? 

The best reference point that you can create is being very aware of your body because your body is always here and now, your mind however may shift towards thoughts of past and future. 

Grounding of awareness within your body will also increase your sensitivity to the various sensations within your body, allowing you to observe your mind through changes within these bodily sensations. 

Sensitivity to sensations within our body frees us from becoming lost within habitual patterns of behaviour because it also establishes mindfulness.

• Next: The Meditation Skill of Softening

Softening is the meditative skill of abandoning; of giving up; of releasing of effort within your body and mind. Softening is pleasurable and should always be so, it has an intimate relationship with meditative qualities of mindfulness, joy and tranquility. 

The word softening is derived from observing the transformation of the mental tightness, heaviness, rigidity that comes from resistance; into the softness, lightness, pliability that comes from acceptance. 

Softening is a pleasurable activity and as the name suggests it is deeply relaxing and enjoyable. Softening is experienced during meditation as the pleasure that is felt whenever we relax effort within our body, and the happiness and contentment that is felt whenever we let go of the effort 'to do' within our mind.

Softening is used applied meditation by observing and relaxing the underlying effort beneath any feeling that you may have of attraction, aversion or indifference towards your present experience. 

This skill of relaxing the effort to resist is first learnt during your daily meditation and then can be brought into your relationships within daily life.

A feeling of attraction can be observed during meditation as the tendency of your mind to cling and hang onto something. This is accompanied by the feeling: "I want this". 

A feeling of aversion can be observed during meditation as the tendency of your mind to push away and resist something. This is accompanied by the feeling: "I don't want this". 

A feeling of indifference can be observed during meditation as the tendency to ignore and not want to know about. This is accompanied by the feeling: "This does not concern me". 

Attraction, aversion and indifference can be weakened within your mind through a meditative process known as deconditioning. Deconditioning happens by experiencing your relationship towards your present experience softening the effort to attract, resist of ignore it. 

It takes a lot of effort to want something, a lot of effort to resist something, and a lot of effort to ignore something. 

Too much effort, too heavy a burden: relax. 

Softening the effort that underlies these reactions stops the habitual cycle from feeding itself. No longer fed the cycle begins a process of atrophy and decay. this is experienced as a fading of attraction, fading of aversion and fading of indifference. 

An enormous burden is lifted, joy and tranquility of body and mind is the result.

• Next: Meditation Skill 01: Grounding Your Awareness

During this Meditation Skill you will learn how to ground your awareness within different sensations to create a reference point from which to develop tranquility and insight. The word sensations refer to the simple experience of your body as you sit in meditation such as warmth, coolness, heaviness, pressure etc. Since sensations within your body are always here and now, they create a trusted reference point from which you can train attention and observe when it habitually wanders.

I recommend meditating for 30 minutes per day to experience results. 

At this stage of meditation, you are working with mental habits that are related to stress and anxiety. To change the way that your mind works it is necessary to commit to the daily mental exercises provided in this meditation towards being aware of your body and relaxing.

Detailed Instruction PDF

Preparation:

• Begin meditation by sitting comfortably on a chair or the floor. 
• Palms resting one on the other in your lap, with thumbs lightly touching in the middle.
• Allow your eyelids to gently close over and relax, feeling that relaxation. 
• Bring to mind the purpose of this meditation.

 Be aware of the room around you:

• Begin to tune into the experience of the room around you, the touch of air on your skin, hear the flow of distant sounds, and the general feeling of how nice it is to just be here. 
• Investigation: Relax your mental 'grip' and allow your mind to wander wherever it wants to. Observe whenever your attention wander to sounds, thoughts etc. and gently bring it back.

 Be aware of sensations within your body:

• Begin to relax into your body as it sits. Feeling different sensations within your body such as warmth, then coolness, heaviness as you relax, pressure on the chair or floor.
• Investigation: Repeat.

 Be aware of the touch of your thumbs:

• Bring your awareness to the touch of your thumbs, feeling the sensations at that point.
• Investigation: Repeat.

Be aware of all three together:

• Become aware of all of these experiences as just one experience: feeling of being in the room, distant sounds, sensations within your body and touch. your whole body just sitting here.
• Investigation: Repeat.

Meditation hindrances are mental habits that we bring to meditation that hinder the development of attention (samadhi), such as restlessness, dullness, thinking, fear of giving up control etc. 

Developing understanding of all 16 Meditative Hindrances and how to calm them not only cultivates insight but also weakens the hindrances themselves. In this way insight into the calming and uprooting of these tendencies from the mind creates the meditation path.

Meditative Hindrance: Restlessness + sleepiness due to Stress (1) or anxiety. 

When you begin meditation, you bring any stress that has built up in day-to-day life with you. It may make you feel restless or sleepy leading to frustration. It is important of understand that this is a normal part of learning to relax during meditation and will pass with regular meditation.

Antidote: Curiosity + Meditation Skill: Retrain Your Breathing Patterns (next meditation).

Curiosity in regard to what it means to relax + retraining your breathing patterns using the Meditation Skill below will lower your stress levels. 

You are ready to progress to Meditation Skill 02: Cultivate Skill in Softening when you feel comfortable being aware of different sensations within your body and have an understanding of what it means to observe when attention wanders away from them. 

Added Note

It is important to note that at this early stage this does not need to be a perfection. You will in the coming lessons develop skills that will help you settle your mind and any feelings of restlessness or sleepiness. For now, it is most important that you develop a sense of how being aware of different sensations within your body can be used to cultivate your skill in attention and to develop insight into the nature of your mind.

Stress & Anxiety

If you have come to meditation due to stress & anxiety it is beneficial for you to practice the below Support Meditation Skill: Retrain Your Breathing Patterns before moving onto Meditation Skill 02.

When we are stressed or anxious, the way that our body breathes changes. Over time stress breathing in the upper chest can become natural for us. Retraining diaphragmatic breathing increases health and lowers stress, anxiety and hypervigilance 

If you experience stress or anxiety, retraining your breathing patterns to diaphragmatic breathing may be helpful. Retraining your breathing patterns offers three benefits:

1. It will lower your experience of anxiety.
2. It will create a basis for the MIDL Softening skill.
3. It will aid in settling your mind as a prerequisite for mindfulness of breathing. 

***If unsure, check with your doctor before doing this training*** 

I recommend doing this meditation to retrain stress breathing patterns to lower the experience of anxiety 1 - 2 times per day over 3 - 4 weeks or until you notice that you naturally breathe in your lower belly and not in your chest. 

Detailed Instruction PDF

Preparation:

Start by lying on the floor. Use a pillow under your head and a rolled blanket under your knees if needed. Place both your palms just below your belly button, fingers touching in the middle, pressing slightly inwards.

First stage of meditation:

• Lay comfortably on the floor, eyes closed. 
• Hands below your belly button, fingers pressing slightly in.
• Gently breathe in your lower belly to lift your fingers up.
• Slowly allow the breath out to lower them again 20 times.
• Be careful that the breath is in your lower belly, not chest.

Second stage of meditation:

• Bring one palm to the top of your chest.
• Slowly breathe in from your belly button – ribs - chest.
• Allow your body to relax with a slow out-breath.
• Repeat 10 times with slow, gentle breaths; no strain.
• Be careful that the breath starts in your belly, not chest.

Third stage of meditation:

• Lay both arms loosely by your side on the floor.
• Continue your breathing: belly button – ribs – chest - relax.
• Repeat 10 times then allow the last breath to go out.
• Relax & wait for the diaphragm to re-engage in your belly.
• Lie still and allow your breathing to happen naturally.

You are ready to progress to Meditation Skill 02: Cultivate Skill in Softening when your diaphragm can be felt moving in your belly by itself for a period of time after each meditation session. 

Added Note

Your diaphragm will now act as a barometer for you to observe whenever you are resisting anything throughout the day, because when you do, your breathing patterns will change to chest breathing (stress). Meditation Skill 02 & 03 will teach you how to soften this resistance in a way that switches off this stress response and re-engages autonomous diaphragmatic breathing.

Your development of skill in softening continues by learning to feel and 'borrow' the natural relaxation that arises within your body when you let go of all effort with each out-breath. 

The word 'borrow' means to align your awareness with the subtle pleasure of the relaxation of each out-breath, and to borrow it in the same way that you would borrow the momentum when pushing a swing in a park. 

Just as you align your momentum with the momentum of the swing when pushing it to borrow that momentum; you align your awareness with the subtle pleasure of the relaxation of your body with each out-breath, to borrow the subtle pleasure of relaxation.

I recommend meditating for 30 min, 1-2 times daily, depending on your life situation.

Detailed Instruction PDF

Preparation:

• Begin meditation by sitting comfortably on a chair or the floor. 
• Seated, place the tips of your fingers just below your belly button and slightly press in.
• Allow your eyelids to gently close over and relax, feeling that relaxation. 
• Bring to mind the purpose of this meditation.

Slowly Breathe with Your Lower Abdomen:

(10 Repetitions)

• With your fingertips just below your belly button, slowly extend the lower part of your abdomen away from your body, to draw the breath in.
• Slowly lower it back again to allow the breath to go out. 
• Repeat this movement, finding your own rhythm and pace. Tune into how good it feels, the subtle pleasure of each release.

Next, Bring the Breath up Into Your Chest:

(Repeat 10 times with step 2)

• Leave one palm below your belly button and the other at the top of your chest. 
• Start by breathing in your belly then push your ribs out a little and bring the breath into the top of your chest. 
• As your body deflates with the out-breath relax your chest, shoulders and upper back. 
• Be curious in regard to what it means to 'borrow' the natural relaxation of each out-breath.

Allow Your Breathing to Calm Naturally:

(15 minutes)

• Lower your hands and allow your breathing to calm naturally until it is flowing freely by itself. Breathing will become gentle, still, free from control. 
• Align your awareness with the gentle deflation of each out-breath, giving up all effort to control the breathing along its length.
• Allow your body to become heavy and your mind to become settled and still.

Physical restlessness can arise during meditation because of overstimulation throughout the day, too much effort during the meditation session, or aversion towards physical discomfort. Any excess effort/energy and can be calmed by relaxing into that effort/energy in order to withdraw the fuel. This allows the 'restless fire' to burn itself out.

Meditative Hindrance: Physical Restlessness (2): unable to experience physical comfort during meditation with a strong urge to move or to end the meditation session early.

Antidote: Curiosity + Meditation Skill 02.

You are ready to progress to Meditation Skill 03: Cultivate Skill in Softening Into when you no longer experience physical restless during meditation.

In this Meditation Skill, you refine your skill in allowing the pleasure of the relaxation of your body to enter your mind, in order to develop 'mindful non-participation'. 

Mindful non-participation is a structure of attention that neither grasps onto nor pushes away any experience. By allowing yourself to mentally relax with the deflation of each out-breath, a naturally tendency towards letting go will be trained within your mind. 

As letting go grows, stillness will arise. Your ability to soften into stillness will allow you to be with difficult experiences without reacting to them during mindfulness of breathing. 

It is important when softening to tune into the subtle pleasure that arises both in the body and mind with each letting go, and to gentle smile into with your eyes to allow the joy of letting go to grow within your mind. 

Without accessing the subtle pleasure of letting go, and cultivating joy, your mind will not see any reason to change habitual behaviour and the meditative path, based upon letting go, will not reveal itself.

Mental restlessness can arise during meditation because of overstimulation throughout the day, just like physical restlessness. It also arises during meditation due to putting in too much effort into what you are doing. Any excess effort/energy and can be calmed by relaxing into that effort/energy in order to withdraw the fuel. This allows the 'restless fire' to burn itself out.

Meditative Hindrance: Mental Restlessness (3): unable to experience mental comfort during meditation with the attention wandering all over the place.

Antidote: Curiosity + Meditation Skill 03. 

Read the meditation instructions below, they have been laid out in a simple step by step process. 

Once familiar with the instructions for your meditation you can either begin your meditation using the above guided meditation or if confident by follow the below instructions.

• Read Instructions: Meditation Skill 03: Skill of Softening Into

I recommend meditating for 30 min, 1-2 times daily, depending on your life situation.

This meditation is done sitting upright so that you can more easily feel the inflation and deflation of your body with each breath. You may sit comfortably in a supportive chair, use a kneeling stool or sit cross legged on the floor. 

The important part is that you are upright and will not have a fear of falling as you relax your body.

Seated, with your hands resting in your lap, take a gentle breath in from below your belly button and gradually move that breath up so that your chest inflates like a balloon. Feel your body gently stretch from the inside outwards like a yoga stretch. 

Tune into how good it feels, the subtle pleasure of it.

(Repeat 10 times with Step 2)

As your body deflates with the out-breath relax your chest, shoulders and upper back. Abandon all effort with each deflation. The key is to borrow the natural deflation of your body by aligning your awareness with the movement of the out-breath, not to control the breathing itself. 

There is an inherent pleasure of relaxation, as sense of ease, of release, that can be accessed every time your body deflates with each out-breath. 

Begin to cultivate the Enlightenment Factor of Joy by accessing the subtle pleasure of that release, the letting go of effort in your body.

(Repeat 10 times with Step 2 & 3)

Now add one extra stage to bring the relaxation of your body into your mind. Concurrent with the deflation of each out-breath, focus on the centre of your forehead and extend the length of the breath through your nose by slowing it down. 

Deeply feel the relaxation in that slow release of breath. 

Make each out-breath more gentle, slow and calm. 

Allow yourself to feel the pleasure of this relaxation, the feeling of mentally sinking along the length of each breath. Smile into this subtle pleasure with your eyes, allow the subtle pleasure of letting go to gradually enter your mind and dissolve all mental effort.

Once mental relaxation develops give up all effort and allow your breathing to become gentle and natural. Relax your breathing until all effort has dissolved. 

Bring awareness to the centre of your chest and be aware of the gentle stretch of your body as the breath draws in, like a yoga stretch. 

Tune into how nice it feels. 

Experience the deflation of each out-breath as it occurs naturally by itself, tuning into the subtle pleasure available in each deflation, each natural release. Breath comes in, feel the gentle stretch, breath goes of access the pleasure of releasing, letting go. 

Allow your mind to become settled and still. Smile into this subtle pleasure with your eyes, allow it to fill your mind as the joy of letting go, the happiness and contentment of release.

Play with how little effort you can put into your breathing. 

Slightly slow down each out-breath through your nose and see if you can experience any relaxation within the area of the frontal lobes of your brain. Observe, how when this area of the frontal lobes relaxes, that all thinking stops, mental activity settles down, and softness enters your mind.

Be curious in regard to:

• Learn what it means to give up all effort within your mind while maintaining clear knowing of the pleasure of letting go.
• Learn what it means to access the subtle pleasure of your body as it relaxes and to allow this pleasure, sense of ease to enter your mind.
• Learn what it means to align your awareness with the pleasure of letting go, of giving up, of releasing of effort within your body and mind.

Now that you are familiar with the meditation instructions it is time to begin your daily meditation. In this section I have provided a guided meditation to help you to become familiar with the structure of this particular meditation skill. 

Once familiar it is always helpful to learn to meditate without guidance, to make the skill your own.

1. Use the Guided Meditation at least once to become familiar with this technique.
2. Learn to meditate daily without guidance to help you develop skill and insight.
3. Keep meditating until you fulfill the below progression criteria.

You are ready to progress to TIER 1 of Mindfulness of Breathing when you understand how to access deep physical and mental relaxation during your meditation session by softening physical and mental effort.

Important Note: 

It is important to note that you will still experience thinking, mind wandering and forgetting at this stage. Your focus while developing skill in softening is towards letting go of all effort. 

Any imbalances within your attention will be addressed in TIER 1 & 2 of Mindfulness of Breathing. These do not need to be overcome to progress at this stage.

• View the Progressive Menu to see your next step